Kristen Bartlett is an NYC-based
shoulder-to-cry-on and
Barefoot Contessa watcher.
Maybe my favorite Wikipedia entry. Do not confuse Gwar with the legume. Do not!
This is my friend Ryan Stanisz’ second video in his pet agent webseries. This video stars my husband, my bathrobe, and my absolutely adorable dog Hans.
(And also, sadly, my arm as I try to hold Hans up and keep him from falling asleep in Ryan’s face. Apparently Ryan’s voice is super soothing to dogs. Just pretend it’s a pillow.)
BUT MY DOG ISN’T HE GREAT?
Why I’m Not Ready to Have Kids
When I was a kid, my mom would go through the Wendy’s drive-thru and order a salad. The salad came with a foil-wrapped garlic breadstick and a packet of croutons.
On the car ride home, I would eat her garlic breadstick and croutons.
I realize now that that was a total jerk move. She never once called me on it.
It would be really strange to love someone so much, you’d let them eat your only breadstick.
My dog, Hans, and his “running from the law” spot.
He’s looking at me right there! I didn’t find out what terrible thing he did. It probably involved stealing tissues right out of the Kleenex box.
I have lots of favorite things about Hans, but one of my absolute favorites is that he tells on himself immediately after he commits his misdeeds. If he walks up to you and he’s cowering and he won’t look you directly in the eye, you’re probably going to find shit in the bathtub.
Law of Attraction
Don’t start talking to me about the law of attraction until you can explain to me why I didn’t end up marrying a Hanson brother.
I don’t believe I’ve ever worked harder to will something into being than when I was 15, and this poster was taped to my ceiling, directly above the area where my head hit the pillow, so I could stare into any one of their dreamy eyes (any one would’ve done) without getting a crick in my neck.
Sure. Unanswered prayers. I could be living on a prairie somewhere with 11 children while my husband (whichever one) was off God-knows-where recording a music video with Weird Al.
But it’s still important to think about, Rhonda Byrne. It’s important.
Jamba Juice is finally open at Rockefeller Center. I’m going to be okay from here on out.
AT LEAST YOU HAVE A DAD
Just know this: If you post on Facebook that you’re doing something super fun with your dad, I am using all of the power in my body to keep myself from replying: “It must be nice to still have a dad.”
Essentially, I’m probably Eeyore.
Enjoy it while you can, adorable stock photo baby.
The day SonicDork and I decided to have a race to see who could download the Pizza Hut app the fastest on our bus ride home was the day we defiantly held our middle fingers in the air and waved them at AT&T and the unlimited data plan on which we were grandfathered in. He won.
