Kristen Bartlett is an NYC-based
shoulder-to-cry-on and
Barefoot Contessa watcher.
Last night at Lane Bryant …
A woman told my husband (@sonicdork) in a really spectacular Willy Wonka-like way, “You’re here for an evening at Lane Bryant!”
Man if I didn’t work in television and if all of my comedic writing aspirations dried up, I would manage the SHIT out of a Lane Bryant. People would love shopping at my store, and I would make them feel welcome, happy and gorgeous. But I would not hang up the pants on hangers, because I just have no idea how they do that.
Also when I Google Image Search Lane Bryant, half of the pics are of this fierce lady and her upper business.
Only Tumblr around where you’re going to get two blogs about Lane Bryant in a row. You’re welcome!
At this point, I feel like Lane Bryant is telling me to give up, have a burrito for lunch, and then go buy a pair of bigger pants.
I also like that at Lane Bryant, lunch is 4 hours.
The Letter P
I just found out today that in the nineties, the Hamster Dance was spelled “The Hampster Dance.” It never occurred to me back then that it was spelled wrong.
And the Hamster Dance is still defiantly The Hampster Dance!
Why is that? Was it an intentional misspelling? An accident that no one wanted to admit or fix? Were people annoyed about the misspelling? DID PEOPLE EVEN NOTICE?!
UGH WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?!
Maybe my favorite Wikipedia entry. Do not confuse Gwar with the legume. Do not!
This is my friend Ryan Stanisz’ second video in his pet agent webseries. This video stars my husband, my bathrobe, and my absolutely adorable dog Hans.
(And also, sadly, my arm as I try to hold Hans up and keep him from falling asleep in Ryan’s face. Apparently Ryan’s voice is super soothing to dogs. Just pretend it’s a pillow.)
BUT MY DOG ISN’T HE GREAT?
Why I’m Not Ready to Have Kids
When I was a kid, my mom would go through the Wendy’s drive-thru and order a salad. The salad came with a foil-wrapped garlic breadstick and a packet of croutons.
On the car ride home, I would eat her garlic breadstick and croutons.
I realize now that that was a total jerk move. She never once called me on it.
It would be really strange to love someone so much, you’d let them eat your only breadstick.
My dog, Hans, and his “running from the law” spot.
He’s looking at me right there! I didn’t find out what terrible thing he did. It probably involved stealing tissues right out of the Kleenex box.
I have lots of favorite things about Hans, but one of my absolute favorites is that he tells on himself immediately after he commits his misdeeds. If he walks up to you and he’s cowering and he won’t look you directly in the eye, you’re probably going to find shit in the bathtub.
Law of Attraction
Don’t start talking to me about the law of attraction until you can explain to me why I didn’t end up marrying a Hanson brother.
I don’t believe I’ve ever worked harder to will something into being than when I was 15, and this poster was taped to my ceiling, directly above the area where my head hit the pillow, so I could stare into any one of their dreamy eyes (any one would’ve done) without getting a crick in my neck.
Sure. Unanswered prayers. I could be living on a prairie somewhere with 11 children while my husband (whichever one) was off God-knows-where recording a music video with Weird Al.
But it’s still important to think about, Rhonda Byrne. It’s important.
Jamba Juice is finally open at Rockefeller Center. I’m going to be okay from here on out.
